Happy New Year! (Looking back…)

Looking back on my 2012 and this month… woah… not much of a looker actually.

Last year was the my “the year of great depression”

Everything I touch — well, dies.

Well, let’s start with my January last year.

January — I unexpectedly had a job — which was good at first and all but it took a lot of time for me. My sleeping time, my studying time — a lot… but I managed to get through that. It was a tough adjustment on my part during my trainee days because I had a night shift and an early schedule at school and don’t get me started about the transportation! Ugh!

February— February 14, 2012 — I officially finished my training and was a probationary employee. Well that day I got my pay so no worries there. I still have troubles with my exams coming up then but I managed to study — I think.

March — Ah! Here we are! March! My most hated month of last year! Why? This is the month when I decided to live outside the comfort of my home in Tondo and live nearer in my workplace and school… This was also the month that my good professor in one Human Behavior and Organization failed me in her subject. The month when I literally kneeled in front of the desk of my professor, cried, begged for a second chance, asked for a recount of grades — name it! I’ve done it!

April — No pressure coming from my classmates who’ve learned that I’ve failed (they just endlessly text me that it’s gonna be fine, not my fault or sometimes I hope it really wasn’t intentional, they send me messages asking about graduation stuff which I didn’t actually notice at the time) It was also the month when I tirelessly fought for our class (my second take of the HBO subject) to not be dissolved. A professor I know told me that if I pass that I could still join the May graduation (with my luck? of course, it didn’t happen)

May — Ah! Another one of my most hated month! You see, when I was a kid, I was diagnosed with a disease of the heart that made me take injections every month for 5 years. It was awfully painful actually (though I didn’t voice that out) My nurses kept commending me that I was a brave kid cos even with people twice my age have cried because of that injection. And when they ask me to rate how it hurts, they say I always call 9 an 8 or lower, it’s just that, I don’t think it’s a 9 yet.

And now here it is! A whooping 9! (I’m saving my 10)

Even when I fought physical fights in school — that didn’t make me cry or in this case suicidal. But May? Yes, it did. The day my classmates sent me unending messages on our graduation day that I tried soooooooooo hard to forget! I just got the news that our class was dissolved that morning and in the afternoon, I was barraged with messages of congratulations. I just… died.

That month, I held a pocket knife and was really ready to die — I was thinking, I’d just stab myself continuously until something happens like loose my blood and die (I’m thinking that’d be very painful, I’m sooooo glad I didn’t do it.) As I held the knife and wailed, I called my eldest sister, she’s the most religious in the family so I’m thinking I need that at the moment but when she passed the phone to my dad I really … sorry, just reminiscing about it makes me cry. But I survived that.

June — I enrolled for the subject again and was given the hope of graduating for mid year (October)… I held on to that idea.

July — my birth month? Nothing happened. Oh wait! It was the month that I was working on my birth day and my team mates surprised me with sticky notes all over my computer greeting me (well, it was their fault that I’m working that day) Also, the friday 13th of that month, my team mates and I went to the beach but before we got there we really really had some bad luck. It rained heavily, we were divided, when we got reunited again we fought the driver but it was fun.

August and September? They just passed. Nothing bad. Nothing good. Nothing.

October — Guess what! I passed my subject with flying colors! I went to the beach and watched a concert. Huzzah! but in the days that those didn’t happen — I was miserable, why? Go ask my stupid friend!

November — processing of documents for graduation. I had to beg for an extension. I had to kneel again for chances. Well, I thought, not much to lose now so… yeah.

December — Guess what! I didn’t graduate! After talking to every god damn professor and admin! After missing work! After losing a lot of time and effort! In the end? I didn’t graduate! “Next year probably” the lady told me. I was wronged by a creepy dude that I soooooooooo want to forget but can’t.

….

Yeah. My 2012 wasn’t  a looker when I look back. I didn’t finish any blog that I promised to finish. Actually, anything I said I’d do, I haven’t finished. The only good thing that happened last year was that I learned a lot.

First, is that your family, your friends will never leave you. They’ll stick to you like glue and ask you to keep retelling the “awful” part of the stories. Well, eventually, the load will lighten but during the “conversations” I hurt them a lot with my every “truth” . I would apologise to them if they’d take it. But I doubt any of them would need that from me so a Thank you… for everything should replace that apology. 🙂

Second, I have myself. There are truths that would die with me. Problems that I can’t bother anyone about. I am the only person who can pull myself together. Who can put my pieces back together. My friends and family are there only to help me pick up the pieces but only I know where the pieces should be.

Third, in the face of poverty, everyone and everything is fair game.

But Welcome 2013~ January, well, I’m hoping for the best this year.

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