“No words my tears won’t make any room for more and it don’t hurt like anything I’ve ever felt before. This is no broken heart or familiar scar this territory goes UNCHARTED.”
-Uncharted by Sarah Bareilles-
Have you ever felt too drained? When you’ve dedicated yourself towards work and school. You are sooooo sure you will make it… but you didn’t? This is 3rd on my list of things that I prayed and begged to God that won’t happen to me. Not this.
The bad news: I won’t graduate this semester.
Why? That is the question I have yet to find the answer. I am sure that I have given everything. I have exerted 300 percent of my efforts. 100 percent for my work, another hundred for my family and the last hundred for my studies. The problem is, I only study at school. I only work in the office and I only have fun in front of my family. I’ve lived 3 lives worth for the past months.
Have you ever studied and slept inside a bathroom cos you don’t want people to be disturbed in their sleep? I have. Can you take the scoldings of your supervisor every week when you beg for a schedule change? I can. When I look back, what happened during the past months have made me one of the numbest people on earth — or most pretentious.
I am suicidal.
I have been telling this to my friends these past few days. If only I didn’t have other commitments like work, my family and if I wasn’t born stubborn, I have probably killed myself because of this pain. It is soooooooooooo tempting. So very tempting that I almost fell for it. Especially last Saturday, when I almost let myself _____ (let’s skip this part. Details are unnecessary. You’ll just worry — and that’s the least of my problems now.)
How much does this hurt?
What I have learned?
– Don’t show you’re weak/afraid if you’re in front of high people, they’ll eat you alive.
The good side: You’ll look strong. They’ll believe your words and believe in you.
The bad side: I cannot tell the difference of well-deserved people whom I can share my emotions to. My family? My first option, no, they’ll just tell me about things that they’ve observed… and they haven’t seen me at work. My friends? My second option, no, they’re better off happy with their lives. I doubt they would care anyway. They have their own problems. (See? I don’t believe I have anyone on my side now.)
– Understand. No matter how much it hurts.
My mom always remind me that things happen for a reason. Even if that reason is soooooooooo unreasonable on the part of the person.
– Don’t expect anything from anyone too much.
– Last, All life stories are better when read.
They want to see me cry. They wouldn’t.
But maybe you would be my friend. Can you see my tears? My pain? My regrets? It is in every character in this blog.
Some people said I’m numb. I’m not. Some say I’m strong. I’m not that either. Some say I can handle pressure well. Well, that is because I blog, I guess.
(BTW: I might blog again later tonight. Today is day 1 of summer class. They say, for everything that happens to your life there is a perfect song for it. For this, my song is Uncharted by Sarah Bareilles.)